On a void and much restlessness.

**Spoiler alert**

I was reading Chimamanda’s Americanah. Maybe, now that I think of it, I was not reading it as much as I was living it and breathing it. All rather aggressively. I went from word to word, page to page, chapter to chapter devouring everything rapidly. And then. It got over. Americanah got over just like that. The door opened, he walked in, she stayed calm, the predictable kiss did not happen and it got over. I was outraged. I wanted the book to go on. I could read on after the door shut. Why would there be nothing more? Why couldn’t there be nothing more? And I didn’t want a little more. Oh no! I wanted a whole lot more after the ending. But obviously there was no point in wanting because I was not getting any more. So I shut the book, fumed some and then roamed around nursing my restlessness.

Since Americanah, I have read The Perks of being a Wallflower. It was nice in parts but didn’t calm me down. I tried reading Astray but couldn’t get myself to read beyond two pages. Then I started Two Lives which was soothing some but I was still looking for something else. I started reading Wild yesterday. Gave up on it today. Have decided to go back to Two Lives which will hopefully keep me afloat for the time being.

And, and. I haven’t bought The Lowland yet because I’m too worried about how I will feel once I finish. [*Insert eye roll here*]

Terrible how these things are – developing relationships with books, romancing them and drowning in them when all they leave you with is a large looming void and the nagging feeling of wanting more.

I wish I could be a distant reader, you know. Not get involved. Read under bright lights, sip my tea. Not let it have me and not give myself to it.

On ramblings and such stuff

I have learnt:

1. Life goes on. No matter what.

2. You have to be kind to yourself, give yourself the benefit of doubt and be more forgiving towards yourself.

3. It is okay to say NO just because you don’t feel like saying YES to something.

4. My most loved people are getting old. They are still smiling and laughing, they are still just as fabulous but their bodies are giving up on them.

5. Relationships that you thought would never end, end. And just like that.

6. There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough.

***

I should have:

1. Learnt to say no earlier

2. Called my loved ones more, sent more pictures, kept more skype dates

3. Known that when something does not feel right, it probably is not right.

4. Given more thought to my feelings, instincts and beliefs.

***

But I am glad:

1. That I am finally saying no

2. That I have gotten rid of the guilt that has always killed me

3. That I have stopped obliterating myself for others

4. That I have let go of toxic relationships in my life

5. That I am being kind to myself

***

 

On this evening when I cannot smile.

My mother is leaving tomorrow. And that is all I can think about while I sit in the drawing room and stare with a blank look in my eyes at my mother’s figure moving deftly around the open kitchen frying some fish, adding saffron to the chicken and checking the salt in the daal. And she hums to herself. All the time.

I can’t hum. Not now, anyways. My heart feels heavier than a stone and my head feels empty every time I think of tomorrow afternoon. My mother is leaving tomorrow afternoon.

Ma baked a chocolate cake with a hint of coffee. She looked after the plants. Took care of my laundry and ironing. She ordered groceries. She made tea. She was there to watch TV with me, to go out in the evenings with me, to have dinner with me, to hug me every night and kiss me when I left for work every morning. She let me crash on the sofa with the TV on and woke me up only for meals.

She let me be.

And now. She is leaving. She is taking a big piece of me away with her this time. I don’t want to let go of her. But she has to go. She has to leave.

So she is leaving. She is leaving. She is leaving.

Well. Life goes on.

I am greatly inspired by Meira’s post. And from here on I am also resolved to post more frequently even if it is a mere, the way Meira puts it, “Hi. Wassup?”

So yes. I have not been blogging. I have taken a sabbatical, I went for a beach holiday where I lay on a hammock and sipped mojitos and watched sunsets. I have started baking…

…I opened IHM’s blog at this point. I cried. I left a comment. I want to do more than that and I can’t. The news about her daughter has left me numb and helpless.

And no, I have not taken a sabbatical. I have not taken any vacation by the beach or any vacation at all for that matter. There have been no hammocks. No mojitos and definitely no baking. I have missed many sunsets or watched them from my car while twiddling my thumbs in the Delhi traffic. I have been buried neck-deep in work. I have been worrying too much about my mother. Trying to keep the monsters hiding under my bed from coming out and taking over my life.

I have been looking everywhere for a little bit of peace and I can’t seem to find it at all.

But today, I have been reminded, that it is important to face tragedy and live with it. It is important to think about memories and smile. It is important to let go of the bitterness and make peace with the heart ache.

Yes, today I have been reminded once more, that life indeed goes on.

Leave a thought for IHM here please. She is fighting a fight that many of us cannot even begin to imagine.

On a little bit of joy

You know how life is made better on sullen afternoons?

(Following is a chat excerpt. Contents of full chat will not be revealed here. A will disclose his full name if he wants to :))

Me: throws paper ball at A

paper ball misses target

A picks up said paper ball

throws it back at Paroma

paper ball lands right on Paroma’s head

Paroma wails

A offers clean white hanky to Paroma

Paroma refuses said hanky

A blows his nose into hanky

Paroma’s eyes fill up with tears

Paroma turns and walk to her sulking corner

Sigh

Story. Of. My. Life.

A: you’re making up your own story I see

Me: it is my story indeed!

A: awww

pulls out tiramisu cake he had brought for Paroma

hands it to her on a plate with a fork

Me: yay!!!

A: tries to hide the cinnamon cappuccino which he will give her after that

Me: yay yay yay yay

does a little jig

snatches plate from A and runs to a corner to eat it all by herself

longingly eyes the cappuccino

You see, they might not know all that is wrong with your life but they definitely know what will bring you a little joy 🙂

Well, that’s why they are so precious. Them friends.

Rant Alert!!

I don’t think I will make any introductions. I need to rant, crib and vent it all out. And I will do so in a much organized bulleted manner just make sure I have put it ALL out there. So here I go-

• I am terribly overworked and severely underpaid! I don’t mind doing a lot of work but it would be nice to be compensated accordingly!!

• I hate Delhi traffic. Also, I hate the traffic in Calcutta and Bombay (and yes I would forever call it ‘Bombay’) which limits my choices of metropolitan living in India to one city! *Sob*

• I am bored with Delhi (there I said it out loud). And considering the rant mentioned in the bullet above I don’t know where to go!!!

• My mother has postponed her trip to Delhi by ONE week!! *Dies of shock just writing this* And don’t judge me. It is very hard to wait for luchi and aloor torkari and chilly chicken for ONE more week!

• I keep wanting to run away. I try not to want it, you know. I try telling myself that this need of running away is NOT actually going to take me anywhere so I should be happy and content with where I am and what I am doing. And that telling myself DOES NOT help.

• I miss living in New York! I miss the walking, the subways, the freedom, the summer and the tall skim latte at Starbucks. That city did magic to me, I tell you. *Sigh*

• I also want EVERYTHING. Yes. I want everything and want them right now. I have told myself, I tell myself everyday actually, that one should not ask for everything and one should count her blessings and smile forever and that it is practically not possible to obtain everything unless you are literally floating in money (by which I mean hard cash) these days. Doesn’t help!!! I still want EVERYTHING.

• I want a job in one of those travel shows. No. Wait. I want a job in one of those travel FOOOD shows.

• This reminds me that I am getting fat. I have put on many many pounds of weight over the last six months. Which had not bothered me at all except these last two weeks when I could not fit into  a nice tee and when R realized that his trousers were feeling tight-er around the waist! So realization happened and we went around Gurgaon hunting for THE gym with THE machines and THE deal and THE location (see, that wanting everything again!). After a week of ‘checking things out’ and ‘weighing our options’ last evening we zeroed in one place. The gym looks a little flamboyant (it has pink green and red lights in the reception with white couches and the staff wear purple shirts with black pants and purple tie with black stripes) but it has a lot of equipment, interesting group classes and spinning classes which apparently make you lose 800 calories in one here! I can already picture myself sweating it out and then donning a bikini and labeling myself super hot super soon! Aah! Such good thoughts, I tell you.

Now. Having said ALL THAT and being on the other side of fence where the grass is supposed to be greener and stuff let me tell you what the truth is (and the reader MUST remember  that such reality escapes the resident of greener pastures very very frequently)-

• I actually like my job. I do a lot of work and not in the perfect working conditions (imagine being on the top floor of a run down building without fully functional air conditioning when it 46C outside!) but I really like what I do. Compensation is an issue but I did jump into this headlong knowing that compensation would be an issue. So it’s okay, I guess.

• It is for the same reason that I do the one and half hour commute one way everyday to get to work. I really do like it THAT much!

• I AM bored with Delhi but then I get bored with anything that looks permanent. I need change all the time!

• Yes. I want to run away.  I want to go and live very very far from here. Far from all my problems, my nightmares, my anxiety, my constantly looking over my shoulder and my worrying about my mother. I think the last bit tops.  *Sigh*

• That’s a part of the reason for which I miss living in New York. I was safe, I was free and I was very far away from all the problems back home. (But then one can’t run away forever. Can they?)

• And I can rant and crib about not having everything without actually ever having them all. So it’s all good, actually.

So dear God, thank you for a life which is not half as bad as I make it out to be, thank you for the wonderful mother, thank you for R, thank you for my friend of twenty five years, thank  you for my other friends who I can ping on g-talk at any time of the day and crib my heart out while they fight deadline at work. Thank you for the job that I wanted and thank you for all the comfort that I have right now.

There!  I feel a little better and I hope the Sunday will go by without much ranting now.

I promise a better post soon!!

Will be right back.

Post as written on 02/02/2010

I am taking a break from this space for some time. It’s not like I don’t feel like writing. I do. I have things to write about. Like my best friend of twenty years who got married. Like R’s birthday plans which got terribly spoiled. Like how I have come to dread going back to the empty house every evening. Like how I don’t like leaving office these days. Like how my immunity system is completely screwed up and how I have become this pale looking girl with dark circles who falls sick every time she decides to have a spoonful of her favorite chicken fried rice.

Yes. You guessed it right. I am in a mood to crib. My mind can’t quite focus on one thing. My thoughts are not happy and exciting. They are not insightful either. I feel selfish and want to wallow in self pity for a while.

And when I realize none of that will ever help me, I’ll come back right here and vent it all out. To my blog. To you, my readers.

You all still would be here, no? Yes?

*Sniff*

On mush.

So. I am going to pick up R from the airport now. Have not seen him this last week. And will not see him for the greater part of the coming two weeks. And yes, we have been together for some three years now. But, but. I have a funny feeling in my tummy and a slight flutter in my heart.

Found this and had to put it up here!!

*BLUSH!!!* 😛

On a day like this.

You know those days at work when just CANNOT concentrate. When you stare at a document full of information in front of you and your mind keeps wandering elsewhere. When you keep jumping from Gmail to Facebook to Twitter and back to Gmail and think of a thousand and one things to write!

*Sigh*. I am having just that kind of a day. I have my planner open on my desk, a book on a very serious issue and relevant print outs. But I have not looked at them once. I have been on Gmail and Facebook and you know the works.

So. In the course of all that hopping I came across this. And then this. Found it very funny and thought I should post the link here. So that, you know. Its already Thursday. And we all get a little fidgety on Fridays…

Have a good weekend you guys.

On October so far.

It’s a very lonely Friday afternoon.

I am at work. I am staring at a blank document with a blank mind. All I can hear are the sounds of the relentless typing on the keyboard, my colleagues speaking in low voices, phones ringing and the fans rotating furiously as if trying to defeat the cool air of the air conditioners. I have papers on my desk, a blue pen without a cap, a half eaten bar of chocolate and the cold bottle of water. I lean back on my red chair and wonder what makes me so melancholic today.

Maybe it is because autumn has finally arrived in Delhi. That the sun has mellowed down and breeze is more soothing. That the trees are looking livelier and basking in their gorgeousness one last time before winter comes. Or maybe because I miss the fall in New York City. Where nature turns a shade of fierce orange and red and the chill in the air brings in endless mugs of hot coffee. Where people sit out longer and have dinner to savor the last few days of fall weather. Or maybe because I miss October in Calcutta. I miss the feeling of Durga Puja being over, the familiar feeling of approaching Kali Pujo and Bhaiphnota, the trips to Vivekananda Park for fuchkas. October used to bring the sunlight in my small balcony back home where Ma used to put the blankets out for sunning one last time before winter arrived.

Or maybe I am missing some romance. I am missing holding hands with R and walking around in the park and having dinner at an open air restaurant.

Whatever it is, it is a subtle and joyful but melancholic feeling. I miss the vibrant colors of New York City, I miss the soulfulness of Calcutta, but here in my comfortable New Delhi apartment, I can sit quietly in the balcony and stare at the vast October sky.

It’s a gorgeous month, October is. Isn’t it?

PS- If you want to read a better post on a happy October, do visit this blog. This is one of my favorite posts ever!

Edited to add later- I read Suchismita’s post after writing this and then I was wondering whether I should post something so similar. On second thoughts, I did.