My body feels like a stone today. Heavy and not able to move. My mind feels quite the same. Fuzzy, blank. With images coming in and going out, conversations floating in and floating out- recording nothing. Like a white sheet of paper where you scribble and erase, scribble and erase repeatedly until there are marks on the paper but no formation of anything. My eyes are heavy. Wanting to sleep, burning with exhaustion. Looking at no one, seeing through every one. Expressing nothing but blankness and that exhaustion.
Exhaustion refuses to leave me. It seems to have engulfed my whole being: parching my throat, drying my lips that no amount of water can satisfy.
It is a state of being here and not being here. Sitting here at my desk yet floating around and looking at myself, hunched over the study table, fingers typing- studying myself from a distance wondering what would possibly bring me back to myself, let me experience my being with some form of emotion.
My mind forms an answer, much like the bubble in comic strips. And I chuckle. I think I want to lie on my couch and watch sitcoms for one afternoon. Strange it is, I know. The exhaustion, dissociation and the need to reclaim television time, sitcom afternoons and my space on the couch. But it would bring me back, I think.
Mindless laughter, sarcasm and that space to stretch out the whole body – just the thought of it almost brings a smile to face!