I am a sensitive person. I am a sensitive and quiet person. A sensitive and quiet person who is usually nice and laughing. But then, you come along. You come and you think all the quietness and niceness and the laughter would always be there. So you walk around and come over to my wrong side. I try shrugging you off from there and lead you back to the other side but you are adamant and decide to stay. Because you think, even on my wrong side the laughter would stay, the niceties would stay.
Let me tell you what happens instead. The laughter disappears. Yes. It is replaced by a stone face that will not even attempt to smile at you. The niceties disappear. Replaced by nothing. The quietness becomes silence. I engage in absolute disinterest in your presence in my life. You are stunned. You would be because I do not care and will never bother to give you reasons for such withdrawals. And usually you spend a lot of your time telling yourself how I withdrew and disengaged inspite of you trying and never gave conversation a chance.
You are right. I do not believe there is any need for conversation when you take everything about me for granted. I believe you should have introspected and have had the conversation earlier. And no, I do not come with warning tags. If you claim to know me at all, then the taking for granted would not happen. At all.
You may think, I am probably very bothered about this shrugging habit that I have. You are right. I am bothered deeply when it hits me first. I stay up nights and talk to myself during the days wondering what is it that went wrong. I wonder why would say what you said or why you would say that in that manner. I go back years, think of all the times that I had decided to overlook the little mistakes and wonder why I had not said anything then. Most of the times I decide I should have said something earlier, much earlier, when there were warning signs and not waited for this to happen. But then, it is also true that I am who I am. I am quiet and I am sensitive and I do not say anything. So if you know me, at all, then you would know that too. And you wouldn’t take the quietness and sensitiveness for granted. Ever.
I must also tell you that all the heartbreak also goes away. Sooner or later. And with time, I see it is increasingly easy to accept no nonsense and move on. There is less staying up at night and less talking to myself. There is less need for rationalising and reasoning. There is more of it is what it is. There is more consideration that I grant myself.
There are four of you in my life. Two from my family and two of my closest friends. One more person from my family has been very recently put on the same track.
One of the family members has been very difficult to deal with. I have taken years to understand the complexity of the relationship, the power imbalance and the emotions in that relationship. Very recently, I have decided that I did deserve better, that more than the relation itself, I must look at myself as an individual engaging with another individual and certainly an individual deserves a better in a relationship.
The friendships that I have consciously disengaged from have also been rather hard on me. Yes. The friendship itself was hard and then the process of disengagement was probably harder. I wish I could be more specific but I this is the best I can do for the time being.
So, yes. That’s the truth about me, a part of me. I am quiet and sensitive. But if you say you know me, then no, you don’t get to treat me as a doormat and walk away with that.
Note: This post was written after a year of continuing therapy where I attempted to untangle some of the knots of my mind. Therapy helped me. I could sit down and write this without breaking into tears, dissociating and floating into outer space and staring at old pictures. There are other knots that are still there. I will untangle them in my own time. I am still in therapy and will be for as long as I think it is necessary.
There were doubts in my mind about putting this in my blog. But then this is who I am and this is how it is. I trust the ones I call my friends. They would know what I am talking about. And I trust my readers. You have a right to form an opinion about me.